I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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