i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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