My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
