So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
