So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
