The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
