my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
