Kiss
Puke
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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