My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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