New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
