today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
