Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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