and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
