I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Damn victory sex feels great
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