my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
