I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
