we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
