dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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