I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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