what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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