please come you make the beer taste better
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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