Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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