I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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