Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
