Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
