Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
