you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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