my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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