i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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