there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
