so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
