I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
