He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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