I think I won the penis lottery.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
