just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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