Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
