Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
