So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
