I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
