I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
