I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
