Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
My vagina just clenched in fear
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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