matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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