I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
