I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
