i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
