1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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