He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
