i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
