Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
